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When I think back over my life, and what happened to me when I was 20, when I met Bill Gothard, I think of this quote from the character of Rosa Dartle in David
Der Klettersteig auf den höchsten Berg Deutschlands ist ein Abenteuer – und was für eines! Man taucht ein, in eine Mixtour aus landschaftlichem Hochgenuss beim Zustieg durch die „Wasserwelten“ der Höllentalklamm und vertikalem Drahtseilvergnügen, welches am sog. Brett seinen Anfang nimmt.
I’ve reached two business award finals, been in the newspapers, met some very important people and have attended some big ceremonies… generally anxiety free.
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Together with the physical release, emotions and feelings deeply buried somewhere inside myself came to the surface, got moved around and re-arranged themselves in new patterns.
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I went to aberdeen uni in 1998 to do a masters and my social anxiety really intensified.
I continued like this for 20 years with the problem getting worse and worse until one day i could no longer hide it from others.
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I found it harder and harder to enjoy life.
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I would miss-pronounce words and miss-read words that were there.
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If we had to get in groups of 3, i was always the one left over who had to go with the cast offs and form another group.
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It seems they’re inevitable, but a lottery as to the ones you get.
If i had to go it would only be once or twice a year, to get birthday gifts or new clothes.
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Mountains became mole-hills again and my confidence came back a little.
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I decided that i would end it all and take an overdose of paracetamol.
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I could not understand why i was terrified of showing any vulnerablity/anxiety and that merely served to exacerbate the problem.
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I still pull my baseball cap down so no-one can see my face, it helps me, do what ever helps you to go out.
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You d think that would ve been the boost in confidence i needed but things only got worse.
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Most break times i would walk around the corridors on my own or sit in the toilets waiting for the bell.
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It was actually a bit frightening to make the appointment, but what was the alternative.
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In london, i didn t know a single person, so it was a massive step for me, showing just how much i d recovered.
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A radio interview (still not sure how i managed this one.
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The nights before meetings always brought visions of previous failings but i know i m better than before and i m slowly building up a record of successes.