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When I think back over my life, and what happened to me when I was 20, when I met Bill Gothard, I think of this quote from the character of Rosa Dartle in David
Der Klettersteig auf den höchsten Berg Deutschlands ist ein Abenteuer â€“ und was für eines! Man taucht ein, in eine Mixtour aus landschaftlichem Hochgenuss beim Zustieg durch die â€žWasserweltenâ€œ der Höllentalklamm und vertikalem Drahtseilvergnügen, welches am sog. Brett seinen Anfang nimmt.
Iâ€™ve reached two business award finals, been in the newspapers, met some very important people and have attended some big ceremoniesâ€¦ generally anxiety free.
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Together with the physical release, emotions and feelings deeply buried somewhere inside myself came to the surface, got moved around and re-arranged themselves in new patterns.
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I went to aberdeen uni in 1998 to do a masters and my social anxiety really intensified.
I continued like this for 20 years with the problem getting worse and worse until one day i could no longer hide it from others.
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I found it harder and harder to enjoy life.
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I would miss-pronounce words and miss-read words that were there.
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If we had to get in groups of 3, i was always the one left over who had to go with the cast offs and form another group.
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It seems theyâ€™re inevitable, but a lottery as to the ones you get.
If i had to go it would only be once or twice a year, to get birthday gifts or new clothes.
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Mountains became mole-hills again and my confidence came back a little.
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I decided that i would end it all and take an overdose of paracetamol.
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I could not understand why i was terrified of showing any vulnerablity/anxiety and that merely served to exacerbate the problem.
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I still pull my baseball cap down so no-one can see my face, it helps me, do what ever helps you to go out.
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You d think that would ve been the boost in confidence i needed but things only got worse.
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Most break times i would walk around the corridors on my own or sit in the toilets waiting for the bell.
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It was actually a bit frightening to make the appointment, but what was the alternative.
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In london, i didn t know a single person, so it was a massive step for me, showing just how much i d recovered.
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A radio interview (still not sure how i managed this one.
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The nights before meetings always brought visions of previous failings but i know i m better than before and i m slowly building up a record of successes.